I didn’t know that’s what it was then, only that consistent bad health, quiet addictions and relentless over-performing had a firm grip on my mind, body and heart – and I kept feeling like shit over and over again. I was done, it was either suicide or something had to change rapidly.
I’d had a conversation with myself that I would give myself 6 more months and if nothing improved I would throw myself off a cliff.
I ended up in India, at a dodgy Tantra retreat where you were told you would only reach enlightenment if you slept with the 70-year-old guru, erm, no thanks mate. But I have to say the teachings themselves were profound and gave me a different perspective on sexuality that gave me hope that I could heal from my sexual abuse.
\One afternoon I was sitting on the floor in a cafe with my hands feeding myself a curry when someone approached me and asked if I would be interested in taking a breathwork class. I was a little hesitant, breathing for a whole hour didn’t sound like much fun to me but I thought I should give it a go. 20 mins of sipping in oxygen at a very rapid rate and the next thing I know I’m in the corner of a room, screaming in terror, my body kicking out, shouting fuck off you cu*nt with this big fat heavy lump in front of me that was my stepfather who used to sexually abuse me. Now he wasn’t there but the breath took me back to the traumatic experience and supported my body to complete the stress cycle I didn’t get to complete at 6 years old. It was wild and iI was shaken up to fuck after it.
Sat in what I can only describe as a prision cell room in north India I didn’t feel safe. I was scared, and back in that 6-year-olds body terrified her stepfather was about to talk in and rape her.
Now there were good and bad points to this.
The breathwork class didn’t have any focus on installing a sense of safety within the body so I was left rather retransmitted with zero support afterwards.
The tantra retreat iI went to left me feeling even more fearful of men, I mean I had already spent my childhood being pulled onto an old man’s lap, sex already felt so uncomfortable and like it was only for a man’s pleasure, paying to have some 70 years old70-year-old ‘guru’ telling me that sitting on his cock would heal me wasn’t exactly what I needed.
I realised that ALL my issues in life, my overworking, my inability to make friends, the dis-ease that kept bringing me to the floor, my painful vagina ALL stemmed from locked down trauma in my body and I actually had hope that maybe I had finally found something that could free me.
Tantra taught me that s.x could actually be a sacred act and that I could use the practice to transform my deep wounds into a new profound spiritual energy that would allow me to feel good in my body.
That day I knew that I had to continue to explore what could get this trauma out of my body so that I didn’t have to commit suicide.
I spent the new few years, travelling around the world, with mother fucking strong boundaries, able to self resource into safety (yes I throw myself into some more ‘unsafe’ spaces) while I gained this ancient knowledge and liberated my body of its 20 years of built-up trauma.
I was finally FREE, the results were profound. My patterns started shifting, my suicidal thoughts went, I started ENJOYING yes actually enjoying pain-free sex, I started making lifelong friends and felt like a normal human again.
And one day while at a Taoism course in north Thailand (the Chinese version of Tantra), my purpose was revealed to me, I knew I had to bring this knowledge I’d gained to the modern women in the west who didn’t want to feel unsafe or sit in an ashram for months on end to heal from her sexual trauma.
If you feeling stuck in your sexual trauma, wanting out from this world, please know there is a way out. Getting to the root cause of it is the only way to truly heal long term and that root cause is ALWAYS locked down in the body.
I’ve healed naturally from cancer several times with vitamins, diet, heat, oxygen, Joe Dispenza mediations but ultimately each time I had to release the stagnant, destructive trauma out of my body, that’s what saved me.
If this is resonating with you and you want me to point you in the right direction to start your deeper healing, let's chat. I’m happily here to serve.